It’s that time of year again, Father’s Day. It’s hard to get excited about this day if you have had a child die. For this father, this day is more about remembering the children that are no longer with me in the physical sense.
I’ll be spending this Father’s Day out on the road interviewing other grieving dads for this project. I am trying to bring some sort of awareness to the many dads that have lost children and struggle everyday to get out of bed and do something positive to honor their child that has died.
Many of the fathers I meet that have lost children feel like they let them down as a father. They should have protected them. That’s what a father does right? Protect. We are also “fixers” and we like to fix things, but we couldn’t fix the problems that were wrong with our children or the situation our children found themselves in.
Many of these dads struggle with seeing the words “Happy Father’s Day”. Seeing that statement gnaws at the already festering wound that has yet to heal, it’s a wound that never completely heals. Over time you can get through the loss of a child, but you never get beyond it. Can you eventually get back on your feet and learn to enjoy life again? Yes. Will you life ever go back to the way it was? No.
Is it possible to have a “Happy” Fathers Day after a loss of a child? Yes, but for very different reasons than most people think. The happiness comes into play when you reflect on the time you spent with your child, although you wished you had more time. You’re happy because it was an honor to be their dad. The love you feel inside for that child makes you smile and hurt at the same time. The happiness for these fathers does not come from a gift that was wrapped up real nice and given to them on this day. The happiness comes from the gift of being their dad.
If you know a dad that has experienced the death of a child, don’t be afraid to reach out to him on this day or any day for that matter. As difficult of a day it is, he would love to hear from you. Someone acknowledging that he is a dad, a dad that has experienced the death of a child.
Hi Kelly,
I read the overview of your book and have placed a pre-book order. I also just read your Happy Father’s Day blog from June 2010, and as I weep now I want to say thank you for all that you do.
Paul Bailey,
A grieving Dad
Thank you for this. My husband and I lost our first born son/our only child when he was 16-18 weeks gestation. So many people put their focus on the mom…but I see my husband’s grief, pain, and disillusionment when almost everything out there just talks about a Mother’s loss. My husband has parented our son beautifully. He was protective of our son’s photos (people can be cruel towards a baby who is only 6 inches long), He wrote a song in honor of our son, and He made our son’s headstone…among many other things. I know he is a great father…He shows honor to a little boy that he never got to hold…alive. So when people look at us as a family of 2…our hearts cry out “we are a family of 3!” the dedication of my husband to me and our son is priceless!
Thank you for honoring and bringing awareness to this difficult topic.
hi i lost a son after 90 minutes after birth and now try to help people especially fathers here in New Zealand. i can understand and nodd when i see what you have written as we are the silent ones who have to suffer by ourselves whilst we look after our partner or wife as they grieve and also try to work out what was wrong and why could i not fix it. yes it is Fathers day and for the sake of my other children it will be a happy fathers day but it will also be a day i feel i have let down my son who we have lost.