After going through the loss of two of my children over an eighteen month span, I came to the realization that there is a lack of support services and information available to fathers suffering the loss of a child. I made a promise to myself that once I was strong enough, I would find a way to help other men going through the devastating loss of a child. As a result of that promise, I have developed a project that is designed to reach out to all bereaved dads traveling this lonely and what appears to be a never-ending road known as unspeakable loss.
Am I qualified to lead such a project? My answer to that question is “yes”. I’ve not only experienced the loss of a child twice, I have survived it. Everyday is a battle, some battles are easier than others, but it never leaves you and I understand that. Many of the counselors I have met have never lost a child, how could they give me advice on how to deal with something they themselves have never had to fight through. One of the many grieving dads I have met through this project said to me “I think I helped the counselor more than they helped me”.
I think that you will be a blessing to dads (and their wives, mothers, friends…) everywhere. I am so sorry for the loss of your children, but know that the blessings of their lives will live on and grow through others because of your love and because of your choice to share your journey.
Walking with you!
Hugs-
Laura
http://www.momentsofpause.blogspot.com
Hi Kelly,
I took some time this evening to puruse your website. You are doing a great job! I’m sure Christine and your children are so proud of you. God Bless!
Kristin – Thank you for stopping by the site and thank you for your kind words. I hope all is well. Peace.
Since my 16 year old committed suicide, I have no living children. So, like you, my role as a father abruptly ended. In the last year and a half I have endured more than I care to trouble you with right now. The point I want to make is that I had a choice. Sink or swim. I decided to swim. Loss can take all the joy of living away. However, I was not going to have that fate. So, I live. I grieve episodically. Some days are better than others. Grief is now part of the tapestry of life for me. It will be that way. I enjoy life for the most part and continue to look forward to tomorrow. I applaud your work. If I can help, just let me know. Thanks. Howard
Sink or swim. Fight of flight. Bitter or better. We have a choice to make when it comes to how we respond to such a tragic event. Early in my grief (first couple of years) was the toughest thing I have ever expereinced. Trust me, I felt like I was sinking, I was bitter for a while and many times considered flight. I didnt knwo where to go, but I wanted to run as far away from this as possible. However, there is no way to escape it. You learn to realize that it is part of your life. Its not something you ever get over. You do have to learn to live again. Some how some way. I too have figured out how to enjoy life again. I beleive it was facing my grief head on. I learned not to hide from it. I learned if I didnt want to get out of bed on a day. I didnt. I let it be what it was. I didnt fight it. I let it weave its way into my life. It took a lot to time for me to realize this, but once I did, the pain started to lift every so slowly.
Thank you for stopping by this site. The best way for you to help is to continue stopping by this site, participate in others postings and give support and offering your expereinces. It helps others know they are not alone.
Peace.
Kelly
Oh yes you are qualified and thank you for being a voice for men who are hurting, I so appreciate your perspective and sharing with such an open heart.
Yes, you are very qualified and thank goodness you have taken the intiative and started this project. I lost my husband nine years ago and my sons lost their father and their best bud possible.. They are now young men and still have their days, so thank you so much for being the voice for so many men and young men. From a mother’s perspective I totally agree with you that it is an everyday fight and how can some one who has never experienced the pain of a loss tell you how to cope.. Thank you for sharing your experience and being a light for everyone in this world.. God Bless you !!
Jean – Thank you so much for the kind words. It is my pleasure to share my expereinces because I know it helped me when I heard from other grieving dads when I was in the depths of my despair. It helps make you feel not so alone.
I am so sorry that you and your sons had to endure the loss of your husband and their father. Thank you for stopping by this site and sharing.
Peace.
Kelly
I just visited your blog and it is amazing. It’s been 11 years since my daugher died in a car accident and the grief bursts still haven’t stopped (and never will) but thankfully they are not nearly as frequent. Time has definitely helped with that. The intensity of the pain is no less after 11 years but I am very thankful that the times of joy and peace now far outnumber the moments of extreme breath taking pain. Bitter or better? I, too, chose to be better. I wanted to make my precious daughter proud when she was alive and here with me and I still feel that way now that she’s gone… I want her to be proud of me and I want to help others on this much unwanted journey. It’s a journey I NEVER would have chosen but it’s the one I was given so I attempt every day to make someone else’s journey a little softer. Thanks for this “project” and for honoring your children in such a meaningful way.
Julia,
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet daugther. You are correct, the grief burst never stop but they do become fewer with time. Intensity remains the same and often times they do not last as long as they do in the beginning.
Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts and your story. Your welcome for this “project” it has truly become a passion of mine. To speak with honesty on the subject of dads grief. I love hearing from the people that find some sort of connection with the stories you’ll find on this blog. Stories not only from myself, but from the many dads I have met throughout this project.
Peace.
Kelly
Hi, Thank you so much for starting a site for bereaved fathers. I know so much attention is paid to the wife and the other siblings, that the father gets left out or they feel that they have to be the strong ones to hold the family together. Now they have a place to grieve and get support in their own time and own space. We have lost 2 girls, one at 6 hours old and one was 3 1/2 years. With our 3 1/2 year old we were very fortunate to have a children’s hospice here in Vancouver, B.C. that has been a blessing to us and because of them, my husband has found the support he has needed to help him grieve. I know that he will also be thankful for your website. I have also been helped by your site. It keeps the girls always in my heart but forever in my memory.
Charlene,
I am sorry for the loss of your two beautiful little girls. No words can erase the pain you carry inside.
I am so happy to hear your husband was able to find support through the local hospice center in Vancouver. Those programs that acknowledge dad’s pain and encourage participation are hard to find.
Thank you for your kind words regarding this project. I am very happy to hear that you too have been helped by this site. Please encourage your husband to stop by if he needs a place to vent or relate with others.
Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts.
Peace.
Kelly Farley
Just wanted to say I was unbelievably touched by your story and unrelenting strength. I wish you continued success with this very important endeavor. God Bless.
Regards,
Steve
Steven,
Thank you for stopping by and for your kind words. This project has given me the opportunity to reach so many more grieving dads than I ever thought. It is proof that more needs to be done to bring awarness to what men experience after the death of a child.
Peace.
Kelly
Dear Kelly, I really appreciate the honesty that you express yourself with. I’m not a dad (I am a mum though) and I haven’t suffered the loss of a loved one, however, I have experienced losing parts of myself to my goals, ambitions and dreams and have stood back and watched the devastation that has swept through my precious family because of this. Reading your blog really helps to hit home how very important our little ones are and how very fragile life is.
Thank you
Kate – Thank you for stopping by this blog and for your kind words. Going through devastation (however defined by the individual) provides the opportunity to stand back and reflect on ones life and direction. I believe it’s important that all of us take a moment from time to time to evaluate our lives and how we are living it. I know I have spent many many hours reflecting on the direction my life will take me. Life is so very fragile and the idea that “I’ll do it when I get more time (or money) is an excuse we like to us as a way to undermine what really awaits us if we allow it to unfold.
Thanks again for stopping by this blog. Feel free to stop by anytime.
Peace.
Kelly
Kelly,
I have another thing I read on grief I would like to share:
You don’t get over it, you just get through it
You don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it
It doesn’t “get better” it just gets different
Everyday…..Grief puts on a different face
By W. Feireisen
My husband and I lost our baby in July, she was stillborn. I have not seen any site like yours for grieving dads. I think you have chosen a great way to heal and help other dads begin to heal as well. The pain never goes away but we do learn to live again…it’s just in very different shoes.
Great blog! I admire you courage to deal with not only your pain, but others. I thankfully have never experienced the death of a child, but did have a 2 year span when I lost my only sibling(cancer), mother( car accident), grandmother(old!) and father (suicide). Caring for them prior to their deaths and then their deaths left me pretty shell shocked. It wasn’t until I found a grief support group that I was able to move ahead.
So a big ,”Wow” to you!
Gay,
Thanks for the kind words. I am so sorry for all of the pain you endured over those 2 years. Tough tough stuff. I am happy you found some help at the support groups.
Please feel free to stop here anytime. This blog is open to everyone.
Peace.
Kelly
So many times people have offered my husband advice and he has walked away thinking what do they know have they ever lost a child. What you do Is amazing.
Sara,
Thank you for you kind words. I try to speak the truth about what I went through and experienced. It may be different than others, but I try to be honest. There are a lot of people (“professionals”) that want to give advice on how to deal with the death of a child, but but they have no clue. How could you unless you yourself have walked the walk. I think this applies to almost anything some has advice on. Until you have been there, I dont want to hear about it. I am not saying people that have not lost a child cannot give good solid advice, but they need to be careful on how the message is delievered. Good listeners should be their main role.
Peace.
Kelly
I have not lost a child. I can’t even imagine. It’s my worst fear. I’ve lost siblings and both parents now and maybe God thinks that is enough for me for now. UGH. I’m so sorry for your losses. They are huge ones. I’m so glad you are speaking about your feelings. Most men I know think talking about their pain is for wimps, but I know it takes a strong person to do such a thing. Thank you for sharing your story and encouraging others, even those who have not lost a child. I once heard a speaker say grief is grief. That a just because a loss is little, doesn’t mean it isn’t significant. We try to weigh losses, but loss is loss and grief is grief. And even though I can’t relate to losing children, I can certainly relate to the grief you felt and how hard it was. I recently found my Mom dead in her bathroom…It hasn’t even been a year and I still at times find it hard to cope. People told me to think positively, or just think good thoughts. That did not help me. What did help me was saying that I was hurting, saying how I felt, and dealing with those emotions head on. Obviously, I’m not done yet…still working on it all.
Michelle,
Great advice, “What helped me was saying that I was hurting, saying how I felt, and dealing with those emotions head on.” I really like dealing with those emotions head on. I believe you can’t hide from these emotions, you can try but they will find you and corner you. At some point you will have to deal with them so why not now. Run towards them.
Keep working on it and thank you for stopping by this blog. Your thoughts and input really provides help to you and the others that visit.
Peace.
Kelly
Thank you so much for putting this site up. I also have suffered two child losses, both sons, one to stillbirth and to premature birth, 23 months apart. Trying to find a place for “DAD” is almost inpossible, they are out there but very difficult to find. Thanks again
Lovely website and a fantastic idea. I have linked your site to my website http://www.ihavegainedanangel.com which is a grief support community so that all our members can be aware of it.
Thank you for linking my blog to your site and for the kind words about this project. I continue to be amazed at the number of people that are able to find support and a sense of community here.
Stop back often.
Peace.
Kelly
Thanks Kelly for your website. Just found your website after getting through Fathers Day. Found I was ok with the day and spent it with my parents and wife. But this week so far has been everything but great so far. My wife and I lost our first child at the end of February this year. She died 11 days after birth with a malrotated bowel…totally unknown until she passed away in her sleep. Starting to understand that she and the grief will always be with me. But boy some days are just tough. I’m going to continue browsing your site. But so far, it’s great comfort to me.
All the best!
Trevor,
You are welcome regarding this site. I hope you continue to find comfort here.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. I have no doubt that she will always be with you. I often feel Katie and Noah with me.
Some days are tough. And just when you have a “good” day, those bad days will surprise you. It is a process that requires a lot of reflection (self and situational).
Please stop back when you need to or to support others. I am here if you ever need another grieving dad to speak with.
Peace.
Kelly
Thank you for sharing and giving all of us dad’s who have lost a child a great resource. I lost my son two years ago due to sudden cardiac arrest- he was just shy of his 14th birthday. In his honor my wife and I created a foundation in his name to protect other families against this preventable but silent killer. The foundation also allows me the opportunity to blog about losing a child and to share our story with others.
I look forward to being an active member on your site.
Scott Driscoll
http://www.quinndriscollfoundation.org
Scott,
I want to start by saying how sorry I am for the loss of your son Quinn. As you know, there are no words I can say that will erase the pain you carry inside.
Thank you for posting this comment. It is always good to know that this blog is helping others. It provides me with a sense of intrinsic reward.
I applaud you for starting a foundation in honor of your son. I am sure you find the same sense of reward knowing that you are able to help others. I think finding a cause to honor your child is one of the key factors to surviving this profound loss.
I too look forward to you being an active member here on this blog. I will add your link/foundation to my blog.
Peace.
Kelly
I love what you are doing. There is not enough support for fathers out there.
Thanks!
http://www.theolamproject.com
You are such a courageous man. How do we evoke change in this world by stepping up and taking the reins. You have been through something that only the heart can conceive and yes, you are definitely capable of bringing about change and support to other men who are either suffering in silence or looking for other men to connect with. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your courageous spirit and for making it safe for other men to take part in their own healing.
God is usng you in such a powerful way…keep taking the next right step….you are helping many people and in return they are helping you.
It takes great courage to share our pain, but we only become stronger for it.
God bless!