Website Upgrade – Please Follow Me

Some of you have been following me for several years and some of you are new to this blog.  Over the last couple of weeks, I have been working with a website designer to upgrade the look of my site so it looks more professional and engaging.  I hope you all agree.  If you don’t, please don’t tell me, I spent a lot of time and money on it and it would only make me sad.

The new site can be found here under the same domain as http://www.GrievingDads.com.

Although I transferred all of the blog subscribers, I want to make sure that no one was somehow removed from my list of subscribers when the old content was migrated to the new site.  To make sure no one is left out, PLEASE VISIT THE SITE.  Click on BLOG and add in your email address at the top right of the page that says “FOLLOW BLOG VIA EMAIL”.

Looking forward to seeing all of you at the other site as we continue to grow and share our mission of bringing awareness to grieving dads (and moms).

Peace.

Kelly D. Farley

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“Emerge from Darkness” by Kelly Farley

“Emerge from Darkness”

The loss of a child permeates every aspect of your life. Your world becomes turned upside down. Things you thought were important are no longer. Everything you thought was under your control isn’t.

Although it doesn’t fully capture the aftermath of losing a child, I describe to others as it’s like being dropped deep into a body of water blindfolded at night, alone and in complete silence except for what you hear in your head, you just don’t know which way is up. The fear sets in and you start to experience psychological and physical symptoms you may have never felt before. Fear turns to panic as you try to make sense of it all, grasping for help. Your nervous system impacted by irreversible damage, trauma, I’ve heard it described. Call it what you will, it doesn’t change the way you feel inside.

After you lose a child, you no longer recognize the person in the mirror. You look vaguely familiar in physical features only. The look in your eyes displays so much pain. Pain that no one on the street recognizes and if they do, they haven’t inquired. That would make them uncomfortable.

Some people close to you become concerned. They say things like “you just have to get over this.” In return you ask them, “Would you get over it if your child died?” They stare at you with a blank look, offended that you would even ask such a question. If you have lost a child, you know this isn’t something you get over. Only those that have lost a child can understand the depths in which this pain travels.

The message I want every grieving parent to know is that it’s hard, it hurts, it’s scary, but you will get through this, you will make it, you will come out the other side of this very long and lonely tunnel. It will be the hardest thing you will ever experience; it is physically, mentally and emotionally draining. Your life will look completely different when you do, that’s not necessarily good or bad, just different. You will become more compassionate towards others and less tolerant towards things that really don’t matter in the big scheme of life. You will appreciate the real relationships you have and try to ignore the ignorance of others that have never walked in your footsteps.

You will start to have moments that the pain has lifted ever so slightly, you may even notice that you smiled or laughed for the first time in months. These will happen ever so gradually, but once you recognize it, you may even feel guilt set in. You may think to yourself, “How can I smile or laugh when my child has died, what kind of a parent am I?” Please know that just because you smiled or didn’t cry today doesn’t mean you have stopped loving your child or you have forgotten them in any way. It just means that the very deep wounds in which this tragedy has inflicted are starting to heal. Our children want us to be happy again, they want us to continue living the best life we can.

They want us to move forward, that doesn’t mean you ever get over the loss or beyond it. How could you? Your mind eventually learns to live with it, adapt. It’s like any deep wound, it is very painful at first, but over time it starts to heal leaving a scar in its place. During the healing process the scab will be ripped away at times leaving the wound exposed. But it will once again start to heal. This process will occur many times before the only thing remaining is the scar. It’s not that you forget your child or you stop loving them, but the pain isn’t as intense as it once was. You start living your life to honor them, which gives you purpose and hope.

 

Photo Credit: Daniel Nebreda Lucea Flickr via Compfight cc

Posted in Brokenness, Death of a baby, Death of a Child, Death of a daughter, Death of a son, Debilitating, Depression, Despair, Emotions, Grief, Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back, Hope, Loss of a Child, Loss of a Daughter, Loss of a Son, Survival, Tough, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

“Grieving Mother’s Day”

Grieving Mother’s Day

Most of my writings and blog posts here at Grieving Dads are geared towards men, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about the grieving moms. I understand that they too have the same struggles, questions, and pain that us men deal with. I know this because I hear from many of the women that say my book also helped them deal with their pain.

I also see it on my wife’s face, especially as we approach Mother’s Day. She has no living children to hold, to care for, and to spend the day with. Instead, she’ll spend the day thinking about what she doesn’t have, her children alive and well.

Even though she is an incredible mom, I struggle with what to say or how to acknowledge the day. I’ve see pain she has endured and the changes she made in her life to leave the corporate world to become a teacher for special needs children. Children that rely on her and often tell her they “love her.” Although not her children, these special children feel her love and compassion for them.

I want to wish all grieving mom’s out there a peaceful Mother’s Day. I can assure you your husbands, your dads, your brothers, your boyfriends want you to get through the day with as little pain as possible.

As a very wise person once told me, “be kind to yourself” on this difficult day. Peace.

 

 

Photo Credit: C-47 [On the move] Flickr via Compfight cc

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Need Your Help – Please Vote for Me

Need Your Help – Please Vote for Me

Very excited and honored to have been nominated for the “Pregnancy & Infant Loss Advocacy Star Award” by the Star Legacy Foundation.  PLEASE vote for me by clicking HERE, scrolling down to the big blue “VOTE” button in the middle of the page.  Click the button and go to #4, select “Kelly Farley” and submit.  Please share with others and ask them to vote by May 15th.

Winners will be announced at the Stillbirth Summit (which I will be speaking at) in Minneapolis on June 22.  If you are anywhere near Minneapolis, please stop by and say  hello.  I would love to meet you.

Thank you!

 

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“Fend It Off” by Kelly Farley

“Fend It Off”

I typically do not watch movies that are nominated for or win big awards like the Golden Globes and Academy of Motion Pictures (Oscar’s) because I find that my taste in movies and the people who make these nominations are very different.

However, I recently decided to watch Manchester by the Sea because I like Casey Affleck as an actor and find that most movies that Matt Damon is involved with are decent. I had no idea what the movie was about, but many people I know that did see the movie said it was “depressing.”

Even with the poor reviews from friends and the morning radio talk show hosts that slammed the movie, I decided to watch it anyway. That was about a month ago and I must say the movie wasn’t what I expected, not even close.

I found the movie powerful and truthful. I felt the sadness and pain from the main character because I could relate. I felt anxiety and emotion well up in me as I watched it with my wife. Although it is a depressing, it is an excellent movie about a man that lost two children because of his actions. The movie speaks the truth, which I for one appreciate.

A man whose wife left him after the children died. Although the actions were an accident, they were still his actions and something that he could never get over. He couldn’t forgive himself for what had happened. He moved away (from Manchester) and lived a very isolated and minimalistic existence.

Casey Affleck did an amazing job of portraying the feelings of a dad that lost his children. The anger, self-hatred, the alcohol, the struggle to forgive himself and the inability to allow himself to move forward in life.

One scene in the movie shows the grieving dad leaving the police interrogation room and grabbing one of the police officer’s guns and trying to shoot himself in the head before being tackled by several other police officers. The scene was powerful, very real, and believable. He wanted to die. I think many grieving dads will relate with this scene or at the very least understand the emotional pain this guy was in when he made this rash decision.

One of the lines in the movie I thought was powerful was when he said, “I can’t beat it.” Referring to “getting over” the loss of his two children. I think all of us can relate to that line. My wife and have a saying, “you get through it, but you never get beyond it.” Basically, it’s the same thing.

I’ll never get over losing my children, but I’ve learned to survive it. I’ve learned to put a smile back on my face and mean it most of the time. However, there is this dark cloud that is always lingering in the back of my head. I generally fend it off, but I know its waiting for me to have a moment of weakness or let my guard down. There are some days it wins, but most of the time, I do. But I always know it lingers around every corner, waiting for the right moment.

If you have not seen this movie, I highly recommend it. If you have seen it, share your thoughts with me.

 

Photo Credit: DancingTerrapin Flickr via Compfight cc

Posted in Agonize, anxiety, Brokenness, Death of a Child, Death of a daughter, Death of a son, Debilitating, Depression, Despair, Devastation, Emotions, Grieving Dads, Guilt, Pain, Survival, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

“Overcoming The Loss Of A Child Without Drugs Or Alcohol: A Parents Guide

The following article was sent to me by Jennifer Scott at Spirit Finder and it was written/published by DrugRehab.org.  I think its a great read and wanted to share it with all the followers of Grieving Dads.  Make sure you click on the active links in this article, it will take you to other great reads about this subject matter.  I have heard from many grieving dads that have struggled with substance abuse after the loss of a child.  Please comment and let me know what you think of this subject matter and great resource.  Peace.


Overcoming The Loss Of A Child Without Drugs Or Alcohol:  A Parents Guide

The death of a child is one of life’s most agonizing challenges. No parent can ever be truly prepared for the grief that comes with this kind of loss. In some cases, it can lead a devastated parent to turn to drug or alcohol use in an attempt to cope — but in fact, substance abuse only creates a bigger problem.

This guide is for any parent who has recently lost a child and may be having an especially difficult time coping. It will discuss the kinds of emotions and obstacles to expect, the risks of drug and alcohol dependency, as well as healthy, effective ways to cope with your grief. The healing process is just that: a process. It will be a long, tumultuous journey, but one you can find your way through.

What Comes Next: The Emotions To Expect Throughout Your Healing

First, it’s important to note that there is no “correct way” to grieve. Some people may be so overcome with sadness that they constantly cry; others may feel too numb to show much emotion at all. Everyone will need to be supported no matter what they’re feeling, even if it’s difficult to understand. Don’t be afraid to express your grief outwardly, but keep in mind that just because you don’t see the same display of emotions in others doesn’t mean they feel nothing.

This difference in coping is often most apparent between men and women, and this can cause two grieving parents to butt heads at a time they need each other most. Men often take a logical standpoint, trying to take care of things they have control over: the funeral arrangements, getting back to work, and caring for their partner. Some men feel as though they shouldn’t show their grief because of societal pressures to be the family rock. Though it’s understandable that men feel as though they are held to a different standard, it’s important to recognize that showing emotion is not a sign of weakness. A father who has lost a child should feel open to express himself in any way that he needs to, whether it’s taking some alone time, openly weeping, or finding ways to laugh through his grief.

The emotional rollercoaster the loss of a child brings may cause you to experience many different things, including:

  • Shock
  • Confusion
  • Depression
  • Loneliness
  • Anger
  • Bitterness
  • Guilt
  • Resentment

These kinds of feelings may occur at any time following the loss of a child in any order. One parent may stay stuck in a state of shock for several weeks while the other may immediately feel angry, then guilty.

When a child dies, so do many hopes and dreams of the parents. Their future is forever altered in a devastating way, and they have to constantly cope with the different aspects of that fact. Some harsh realities are easier to see in advance — knowing you’ll never see your child get married — while others may sneak up on you. For example, if you planned to teach your child to play basketball one day, you may feel a sudden surge of anger or sadness when you see something related to the sport. Even years after the fact you may feel resentment at the graduation ceremony of a niece or nephew, remembering that your child won’t experience their own. Accepting the loss of these painful realizations isn’t easy, but it is an important step in your grieving.

The Risks of Addiction in the Grieving Process

For some parents the death of a child can be too devastating to bear, so they may seek out ways to lessen or even completely numb the pain. Drinking is a common part of the grieving process in many different cultures, and it can quite easily snowball into a major problem for someone who’s having an extreme reaction to the loss. It’s a slippery slope for anyone, but especially for those who have a family history of addiction.

Parents With A History Of Substance Abuse

Losing a child can lead them to question their sobriety. They may feel so devastated that they can no longer see any point in staying sober, or even wonder if their child’s death is some kind of penance for their past. It’s normal to feel torn about the things you were once sure of, because losing a child goes against the rules of nature; parents never expect to outlive their children. Losing that kind of certainty can make you question if everything you thought you knew was wrong, even the decision to stay sober. This can be even further amplified if your family was a major part of what led you to quit using — to some, it may feel like it was all for nothing.

The moment these thoughts enter your mind, you need to tell someone. Tell your partner, your sponsor, or a trusted loved one. You may even want to reach out to a drug counselor, or a therapist who specializes in addiction and/or post-traumatic stress disorder. Even if you’ve been in control of your addiction for many years, this kind of devastation can trip up even the most committed of recovering addicts, so don’t hesitate to reach out for help. It’s better to preemptively seek support than to risk succumbing to temptation and putting your sobriety — and your own life — at risk.

Reaching out if you’re struggling with your sobriety isn’t just about preventing relapse; being open about this challenge will be an important step in moving forward. If you do somehow blame yourself for your child’s death and it’s tied to your addiction, you need to sort out those feelings. You must be able to confront both the symptom (your desire to use) and the underlying problem (your guilt) in order to truly heal.

Parents With A History Of Substance Abuse

Losing a child can lead them to question their sobriety. They may feel so devastated that they can no longer see any point in staying sober, or even wonder if their child’s death is some kind of penance for their past. It’s normal to feel torn about the things you were once sure of, because losing a child goes against the rules of nature; parents never expect to outlive their children. Losing that kind of certainty can make you question if everything you thought you knew was wrong, even the decision to stay sober. This can be even further amplified if your family was a major part of what led you to quit using — to some, it may feel like it was all for nothing.

The moment these thoughts enter your mind, you need to tell someone. Tell your partner, your sponsor, or a trusted loved one. You may even want to reach out to a drug counselor, or a therapist who specializes in addiction and/or post-traumatic stress disorder. Even if you’ve been in control of your addiction for many years, this kind of devastation can trip up even the most committed of recovering addicts, so don’t hesitate to reach out for help. It’s better to preemptively seek support than to risk succumbing to temptation and putting your sobriety — and your own life — at risk.

Reaching out if you’re struggling with your sobriety isn’t just about preventing relapse; being open about this challenge will be an important step in moving forward. If you do somehow blame yourself for your child’s death and it’s tied to your addiction, you need to sort out those feelings. You must be able to confront both the symptom (your desire to use) and the underlying problem (your guilt) in order to truly heal.

Parents Without A History Of Substance Abuse

The risk of escalating from mourning to addiction is still significant. Some may use drugs or alcohol to numb the pain, as an escape from the agonizing reality they can’t face. They may even excuse their excessive use with the justification that once they’ve had a certain amount of time to drown their sorrows, they’ll be able to pull themselves out of their abusive patterns. Unfortunately, this process not only lengthens the time it will take to grieve, it actually makes it much more excruciating. Those feelings will have to surface eventually, but with constant repression will only build and build.

As a grieving parent continues to abuse substances following the death of a child, the danger continues to increase. As their tolerance grows, they must use more and more of a drug to get the same effect. Some may escalate their drinking to new highs, others may start to look for a new or stronger high and resort to more intense drugs. A person who once only drank socially may begin abusing prescription painkillers or anti-anxiety medication, convinced that because it came from a doctor it cannot truly be drug abuse. Unfortunately, prescription drug abuse is a rapidly-growing problem in America, largely because of how quickly it causes a person to become dependent.

Parents Without A History Of Substance Abuse

The risk of escalating from mourning to addiction is still significant. Some may use drugs or alcohol to numb the pain, as an escape from the agonizing reality they can’t face. They may even excuse their excessive use with the justification that once they’ve had a certain amount of time to drown their sorrows, they’ll be able to pull themselves out of their abusive patterns. Unfortunately, this process not only lengthens the time it will take to grieve, it actually makes it much more excruciating. Those feelings will have to surface eventually, but with constant repression will only build and build.

As a grieving parent continues to abuse substances following the death of a child, the danger continues to increase. As their tolerance grows, they must use more and more of a drug to get the same effect. Some may escalate their drinking to new highs, others may start to look for a new or stronger high and resort to more intense drugs. A person who once only drank socially may begin abusing prescription painkillers or anti-anxiety medication, convinced that because it came from a doctor it cannot truly be drug abuse. Unfortunately, prescription drug abuse is a rapidly-growing problem in America, largely because of how quickly it causes a person to become dependent.

The Best Way To Avoid Developing An Alcohol Or Drug Abuse Problem

The best way to avoid developing an alcohol or drug abuse problem is to find healthy ways to cope with your grief. First, be honest about how you’re feeling and allow yourself to acknowledge it. It’s OK to cry if you’re sad and to vent your frustrations if you’re angry, but do try to avoid directly taking it out on others. Sometimes, all it takes is asking a loved one to sit and listen, or if you prefer to be alone taking a few minutes in another room. If you aren’t ready to be open just yet, take your time, but let your family and friends be a crutch when you can. Some people find it helpful to have someone with a completely outside perspective and no emotional attachment to the deceased, so consider reaching out to a professional therapist to make sure you’re coping with your feelings.

Keep the lines of communication open with your co-parent, even if the two of you are no longer together. You each have the unique perspective to help one another cope, so reach out and keep the door open as much as possible. However, be careful not to shut out your current partner in the process — they are suffering a loss, too, and you will need to lean on each other for support. Talk about how you’re feeling on a regular basis, and truly listen to what each other has to say. If you don’t understand what they’re going through, don’t become upset or make accusations; instead, ask questions and make the genuine effort to empathize. Keep in mind that just as you need your partner to try to see where you’re coming from, they need the same in return.

Be patient and kind with your partner even when you disagree, and let them know you love them every chance you get. Be honest about any challenges you’re facing with your loss and addiction recovery, and don’t be afraid to ask your spouse if the topic is relevant to him or her. The understanding between you should be completely honest and confident: you should each feel totally comfortable going to the other about any issue. Make sure you hold up your end of the bargain — even if you wanted a glass of wine just for a second yesterday and it quickly passed, share it with your partner. They will appreciate your candor, and may even find the strength to tell you about a challenge they wouldn’t have previously shared.

It’s important to maintain or begin healthy habits after your child’s passing. It may not be easy to feel motivated enough to commit to staying active, but you must find positive coping strategies in order to stay on a clean path. Find ways to get physically active, perhaps taking a walk every day or joining a health club. Exercising increases your body’s production of endorphins, which can naturally lift your mood. True, a workout won’t completely eliminate your overall grief, but it’s a healthy way to burn off stress and avoid negative behaviors.

Keep the lines of communication open with your co-parent, even if the two of you are no longer together. You each have the unique perspective to help one another cope, so reach out and keep the door open as much as possible. However, be careful not to shut out your current partner in the process — they are suffering a loss, too, and you will need to lean on each other for support. Talk about how you’re feeling on a regular basis, and truly listen to what each other has to say. If you don’t understand what they’re going through, don’t become upset or make accusations; instead, ask questions and make the genuine effort to empathize. Keep in mind that just as you need your partner to try to see where you’re coming from, they need the same in return.

Be patient and kind with your partner even when you disagree, and let them know you love them every chance you get. Be honest about any challenges you’re facing with your loss and addiction recovery, and don’t be afraid to ask your spouse if the topic is relevant to him or her. The understanding between you should be completely honest and confident: you should each feel totally comfortable going to the other about any issue. Make sure you hold up your end of the bargain — even if you wanted a glass of wine just for a second yesterday and it quickly passed, share it with your partner. They will appreciate your candor, and may even find the strength to tell you about a challenge they wouldn’t have previously shared.

It’s important to maintain or begin healthy habits after your child’s passing. It may not be easy to feel motivated enough to commit to staying active, but you must find positive coping strategies in order to stay on a clean path. Find ways to get physically active, perhaps taking a walk every day or joining a health club. Exercising increases your body’s production of endorphins, which can naturally lift your mood. True, a workout won’t completely eliminate your overall grief, but it’s a healthy way to burn off stress and avoid negative behaviors.

Don’t lose sight of the things that are important to you. If you have other children, make sure you show them the same love and support you always have. Allow yourself to feel joy that they are still with you. Actively seek out things throughout your day that make you feel happy, even if it’s simply the kiss goodbye from your spouse in the morning. Every moment of happiness counts — especially when you’re facing the intense darkness of a child’s death — so let yourself be grateful for them as they arrive. It’s OK to still feel sad over your loss, but don’t let it overshadow the wonderful people and things still in your life.

In addition to staying physically active, consider finding a creative outlet with which to express your emotions. Painting, poetry, music, and dance are all wonderful ways to find your voice, even if you’ve never tried before. You don’t have to share your creations with others, but you may discover it’s a unique way to honor the memory of your child. It may even help you communicate better with your partner — perhaps in the moment your words fail, but you’re able to sit down later and put them to paper with time and careful thought.

Have your support system on constant standby, and don’t be hesitant to ask for help. Your sponsor should be an easy-access contact in your mobile phone and on speed-dial at the office. The moment you’re feeling anxious or feeling overwhelmed with negative thoughts, reach out to those you can count on. You may even find that making small social gestures can briefly alleviate the pain or loneliness you’re feeling — asking a coworker to eat lunch together, for example. You don’t have to talk about your child or anything related to his or her death; you might even enjoy chatting about something light like the weather or the new office dress code. It can be a nice escape from negative thoughts and a positive way to make new connections.

Avoid situations where you typically used drugs or alcohol in the past. The less you’re around temptation, the more you can focus your mind on more productive things. You might find it rewarding to spend your free time volunteering with a local child bereavement organization, or getting more active in your sobriety groups. Some parents work through their loss by organizing a tribute to their child, be it planting a tree in his or her memory or holding a fundraiser for a specific medical condition. Honoring your child in this way, even if it’s an unofficial ceremony with only close friends and family, can bring a greater feeling of acceptance surrounding the death. It can be something positive to focus on that keeps you on a healthy path, leaving you with a sense of fulfillment, joy, and pride.

Don’t lose sight of the things that are important to you. If you have other children, make sure you show them the same love and support you always have. Allow yourself to feel joy that they are still with you. Actively seek out things throughout your day that make you feel happy, even if it’s simply the kiss goodbye from your spouse in the morning. Every moment of happiness counts — especially when you’re facing the intense darkness of a child’s death — so let yourself be grateful for them as they arrive. It’s OK to still feel sad over your loss, but don’t let it overshadow the wonderful people and things still in your life.

In addition to staying physically active, consider finding a creative outlet with which to express your emotions. Painting, poetry, music, and dance are all wonderful ways to find your voice, even if you’ve never tried before. You don’t have to share your creations with others, but you may discover it’s a unique way to honor the memory of your child. It may even help you communicate better with your partner — perhaps in the moment your words fail, but you’re able to sit down later and put them to paper with time and careful thought.

Have your support system on constant standby, and don’t be hesitant to ask for help. Your sponsor should be an easy-access contact in your mobile phone and on speed-dial at the office. The moment you’re feeling anxious or feeling overwhelmed with negative thoughts, reach out to those you can count on. You may even find that making small social gestures can briefly alleviate the pain or loneliness you’re feeling — asking a coworker to eat lunch together, for example. You don’t have to talk about your child or anything related to his or her death; you might even enjoy chatting about something light like the weather or the new office dress code. It can be a nice escape from negative thoughts and a positive way to make new connections.

Avoid situations where you typically used drugs or alcohol in the past. The less you’re around temptation, the more you can focus your mind on more productive things. You might find it rewarding to spend your free time volunteering with a local child bereavement organization, or getting more active in your sobriety groups. Some parents work through their loss by organizing a tribute to their child, be it planting a tree in his or her memory or holding a fundraiser for a specific medical condition. Honoring your child in this way, even if it’s an unofficial ceremony with only close friends and family, can bring a greater feeling of acceptance surrounding the death. It can be something positive to focus on that keeps you on a healthy path, leaving you with a sense of fulfillment, joy, and pride.

Whether or not you’re a recovering addict, the death of a child can be a slippery slope into substance abuse. Allow yourself to be open and honest about your grief, lean on your loved ones, and don’t be afraid to ask for extra help when you need it. Don’t let any progress you’ve already made get lost in your sorrow — falling into old, dangerous habits will only exacerbate your pain. It may seem like there is no light among darkness, but with time and patience, there is healing.

 

Posted in Anger, anxiety, Brokenness, Death of a baby, Death of a Child, Death of a daughter, Death of a son, Debilitating, Depression, Despair, Devastation, Emotions, Infant Loss, Loss of a Child, Loss of a Daughter, Loss of a Son, Men's Grief, Miscarriage, Overdose, Post Tramatic Stress Disorder, Profound Life Experience, PTSD, Trauma, Triggers | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“Guy Grief” by Kelly Farley

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“Guy Grief”

It is hard to believe, but my book Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back has been published since June of 2012. It’s been 5 years since this book has been published and I know it has helped thousands of grieving dads and moms through the aftermath of losing a child.

I still hear from several grieving dads every week that continue to struggle as well as the new members of this horrible club. I am both honored and inspired by the response and feedback that I receive. It helps me realize that life is bigger than me and my problems. It’s about a having the strength to reach out and pull as many people as possible out of despair and help them see the light at the end of the tunnel as well as helping them find the purpose that changes the course of their life for the better.

I may not be able to get back to the person I were before, but I can still live a life of meaning that helps others while honoring Katie and Noah. I know they are proud of their dad and I try every day to “make them proud.”

Because of this, I am considering a new venture called “Guy Grief”. I have found that there have been many non-grieving dads that have connected with my book. Not so much the loss of a child aspect, but the other messages within the book that stop men from seeking help. I have sat with many men that have shared their stories of heartbreak with me through their tears. Hurting guys that have never felt like they have had permission to “tell their story” of pain.

One of the things that became obvious to me as I have personally navigated through my losses is that it is an absolute must to allow yourself to become vulnerable, transparent and authentic. One must learn to let it out, all of it. Even the really dark stuff that has happened to us throughout our life.

I hope you continue to stay with me on this journey of reaching others. I need your continued support and feedback as I start this new book project. The project will be similar in nature as far as hard hitting real life stories of pain and survival. I want to be the person that provides a safe place for guys to tell their stories (often for the first time) without judgment. My place is not to judge, only help facilitate the healing.

Feel free to email me your name and contact information for the pre-book orders.

Below is a link to an interview I did last week regarding the topic of men and pain. Or as I like call it, “Guy Grief”.

https://embed.sparemin.com/embed?r=7405&templateId=2

Posted in Agonize, Brokenness, Debilitating, Despair, Devastation, Emotions, Grief, Guy Grief, Hope, Inspiration, Men's Grief, Men's Issues, Peace, Profound Life Experience, Survival, Trauma, Uncategorized, Words of Encouragement | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

“You Cannot Hide” by Kelly Farley

 

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This is one of my favorite quotes.  It speaks the truth about trying to hide from your pain.

You must open the door and face grief head on if you have any hopes of living through the loss of a child.  You can run, but you cannot hide.  It will find you.

You do it have to make the same mistakes I did trying to survive the loss of Katie and Noah.  Read about and learn from my own experiences (and 100’s of other grieving dads) in my book.

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“Only Us” by Kelly Farley

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“Only Us”

I have tried many times to explain the pain of losing a child to those that have not lost a child.  I’ve come to the conclusion that there are no words to describe it.  You have to experience it to fully understand it.  It’s more than grief, it changes everything about you in ways that takes years to fully understand.

The pain is all encompassing and it smothers you with relentless despair.  There are times you don’t think you will survive it, I’ve met some that haven’t.  It’s a terrible terrible thing for one to endure.

It is survivable, in fact I think one can thrive after the processing and hard work is completed.  It takes a major transformation of self to get to this point.

I don’t wish it on anyone, but I will be here to help others through it if I can.  It’s the least I can do.  I stand at the bright end of that dark dark tunnel and know the journey is long and dark for those behind me.

Posted in Agonize, Bereaved Parents, Brokenness, Brotherhood, Compassion, Courage, Death of a baby, Death of a Child, Death of a daughter, Death of a son, Debilitating, Depression, Despair, Devastation, Emotions, Exhausting, Grief, Grieving Dads, Grieving Dads Words, Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back, Haunting, Inspiration, Loss of a Child, Loss of a Daughter, Loss of a Son, Pain, Perspective, Survival, Tough, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

“Hell” by Kelly Farley

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Over the next year, I plan on presenting various quotes from my book that I think are impactful and can help other grieving parents as well as people that have not lost a child understand the impact of this loss.

Some of you will connect with the quotes and some of you will not.  However, I ask that you help me by sharing these images because you never know who is reading them.  Any one quote could help someone through the pain, fog and the feeling of being alone in this nightmare.

I am looking forward to hearing from the many grieving parents that will benefit from these quotes.  There have been thousands of people around the world that have read my book, but there are 10’s of thousands more that need our help.

I think we can all relate with the “hell” we’ve all been through.

Peace.

Kelly

Posted in Agonize, Bereaved, bereavement, Brokenness, Death of a baby, Death of a Child, Death of a daughter, Death of a son, Debilitating, Despair, Devastation, Emotions, Grieving Dads, Inspiration, Loss of a Child, Loss of a Daughter, Loss of a Son, Men's Grief, Miscarriage, Perspective, Survival, Tough, Words of Encouragement | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment