Heroin
Heroin took my son took him far away
I found him on his bed so dead as he lay
Eyes closed in sleep spoon on night stand
Bloody foam in mouth with needle in his hand
This vision haunts my dreams keeps me from sleep
What sin did I commit that this is what I reap
It’s hard to close my eyes so many tears I’ve cried
Thought I was a good dad and know I really tried
Where did it all go wrong that I must feel this pain
I’d give up my own life just to see him once again
To hold him in my arms and tell him of my dreams
Tell him how I love him in frustration I do scream
There’s no turning back these cruel hands of time
How stupid I must be trying to capture this in rhyme
There’s just no explaining the feelings in my heart
I want to live again but don’t know where to start
Written 02/18/10 by: Thomas Patrick Calvert
This poem captures many of the things that dads feel or experience after the death of a child, regardless of the circumstances.
Trauma: We have all experienced the effects of trauma from either finding our child dead, receiving that phone call or being with our child when they died. The death of a child is trauma and it has major impacts on our lives and our ability to cope.
Questioning: We all have experienced and ask ourselves questions like “what did I do to disserve this?”, “why couldn’t I protect my child?” or “why them?”. The list of questioning is endless.
Picking up the pieces: We all are tying to put our lives back together after being shattered. Unfortunately the pieces don’t fit together like they use to. How could they? When we do manage to construct something, they look nothing like they did before. We are forever changed and the ability to accept that is hard but it must be processed if we have any hope of living again.
Thank you to my friend Tom Calvert for sharing this poem with everyone here. There is a lot honesty is this poem.
Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back 
I was told today that Tom took his own life in October 2011. I was told he died the same way his son died. I did not know his son, but knew Tom many years ago and this is a complete shock. If any of you entertain these thoughts, please allow others to reach out to you. Tom was, when I knew him, a strong, leader-type we all looked up to and admired. I spoke with another who knew and kept in touch with him, and he told me things I do not want to believe. I feel sick to my stomach….please, you cannot change the past, and it is important that you understand the future is worth surviving.
M – I am sorry for the loss of your friend Tom. This is an example of how heavy this burden can be at times. The death of a child is hard to explain to people that haven’t been there, but its real and many of the dads I interviewed have gotten close to that point. If they can get past the really dark days/months/years, things can change if help is found.
Tom spent a lot of time here on the blog and I heard from his sister soon after he had passed. We are all here to help others (and ourselves) through the darkness.
Kelly
Kelly
Today is the third anniversary of my son’s heroin OD. Some say grief gets harder as time goes on. Initially, grief is expected. Years later, I find that it grabs me when I’m not looking or prepared. Jesse I miss you so.
Rich,
I am thinking about you and Jesse tonight. Well said, “it grabs you when I’m not looking or prepared.”
I enjoyed our time together and hearing about your stories and hearing about Jesse. The book is coming, I promise. Taking longer than I thought it would.
Peace.
Kelly
Today is the third anniversary of my son’s heroin OD. Some say grief gets harder as time goes on. Initially, grief is expected. Years later, I find that it grabs me when I’m not looking or prepared. Jesse I miss you so.
Rich,
I am thinking about you and Jesse tonight. Well said, “it grabs you when I’m not looking or prepared.”
I enjoyed our time together and hearing about your stories and hearing about Jesse. The book is coming, I promise. Taking longer than I thought it would.
Peace.
Kelly
My son died the same way 8 months ago. I was the one who found him in his bed. I am so sorry for your loss.
Christine
Tom-you said it. I think there is nothing you could have done to prevent it, just like there is nothing I could have done to prevent my only child’s death in a car accident.
So sorry you had to find him this way. Be easy on yourself as hard as this may seem. You were a good Dad and still are and I want you to know your poem brought tears to my eyes. Allen
“How stupid I must be trying to capture this in rhyme”
Tom,
You are not stupid at all in trying to find any way to express your grief. Just the fact that you can express it is an enormous step toward healing. The hole in your heart will never be filled, and the loss will never go away, but the other thing that will never go away is the love for your son. Hold onto that love and keep finding ways to express yourself and talk about your son. It will not only help you, but all the other grieving dads out here.
Warmest regards,
Steven
Thomas,
So sorry for your loss. I too lost my 26 year old son in 2008 to heroin. So many questions left unanswered, so much pain . Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless.
John O’Malley