It’s been a while since I posted on this series, but this post is a continuation of my generated list of 30 words that could be used to describe grief. Obviously this list relates to my experience with grief, so I am interested to see if anyone else can relate with this word. I plan on continuing this series of postings that will not only define these words, but expand on why I thought they would be good descriptors.
The sixth word I chose is:
Haunting: Defined as “Continually recurring to the mind; unforgettable” and “having a deeply disquieting or disturbing effect”.
I can honestly say I felt haunted by the flashbacks for almost two years after the death of my son Noah who died 18 months after my daughter Katie. Not only did I have to process the images from that day for of my son Noah, but also Katie. With Katie I didn’t allow myself to process it and when bad thoughts entered my mind I ran from them as quickly as I could. But I shortly became haunted by all of the thoughts after the death of Noah.
The moments in the hospital, reliving the 6 hours I had with Noah, holding him and loving him. Having a father and son moment with no one else in the room. Remembering me handing both of my children over to the nurse knowing I would never see them again. Worried that they would be alone without me there to protect them. Watching my wife mothering both of her children after they had already passed. Haunting and disturbing thoughts that are very real and emotionally draining. Although the haunting thoughts have eased over the years, they still have a tendency to show up from time to time. They trigger emotions, but they do not send me into days of despair like they did early on.
Can any of you relate with this word as a descriptor for grief?
What kind of haunting moments visit you?